House Drama

House Drama. There's a crazy literary technique. When the first words of a passage are the same as the title. Men'al.

We put in loads of work to House Drama. Tindal wasn't really expected to do well: we're the only house without an A2 drama student, so we probably should have been the worst, but we thought that if we really tried hard that we could come out of it having done reasonably well.

Charlotte (Wiggy) and Rosie organised it, and they worked really hard. I was heavily involved with it, despite not taking drama and not being a great actor, but I really took an interest and wanted it to be awesome.

Our first piece was nearly a duologue from Antony and Cleopatra, which was always going to be tricky, but when I first saw the first proper rehearsal I was really pleased with it - the only problem, if anything, was volume.

Our second piece was a duologue from Blood Brothers, which was very good, as long as it remained loud and clear and none of the words were swallowed up :-)

Our last piece was from The Crucible, and this was always my favourite. I took most of an interest in this, cos this was our most ambitious piece - if it worked, it would be awesome. If not, we'd suck.

So we started, and Ed Starr and I were the compères for Tindal. The final positions were:

1. Holland
2. Strutt
3. Mildmay
4. Tindal

So yeah, we came last. Kinda sucks, but I was still really pleased. I thought that it went really well, and I really enjoyed it. I think we did the best we could do and we couldn't've done more. We didn't expect to win and we didn't... The Crucible, in particular, was awesome. I was so pleased with it; it went really well and I hugged all the cast so hard afterwards. Apparently it was awarded the second highest mark in the competition... niiice. The other pieces were good too, although maybe next year we should steer clear of Shakespeare... Although it was performed well. And Blood Brothers was great too :-)

Hehe now I'm feeling less than great though... Never mind, eh.....

At a loss...

I don't even know if I want to write this. Part of me does, but part of me doesn't. I don't even know who reads this. I know some people read it, and part of me isn't sure that I want those people to know what I'm about to type. It's not a secrecy thing, I don't mistrust my friends, I'm just not sure I actually want to say it. I'm not sure they would actually care, but even if they do I don't want to talk about it. I just think I have to write it to get it off my chest, I suppose...

I'm not happy, and I haven't been for a long time. I don't think I seem particularly unhappy - I still smile and laugh and get on with stuff, but beneath all of that there's an unhappy emptiness. I've never had any problems like this before; I've always been a happy, optimistic person. And every day there are events and things that I come across that remind me of just how unhappy I am. Don't get me wrong (I hate that phrase), I know that I have a good life - I generally get what I want, I suppose, and I've never really failed at much. I know that sounds arrogant but it's true. I'm sure there are a lot of people who'd be happy with my life. I know I shouldn't really complain about stuff when there are people who are dying or who are ill or in far worse conditions. I just can't really help it. And sometimes it even makes me question God, even though I know it's stupid. Logically, I should be happy, I shouldn't question my beliefs and everything should be fine. But for some reason, it's not like that. I suppose it's related to one of those many things that just can't be explained, where logic doesn't work - love, for example. Ooh look at me, I'm getting all philosophical.

Have you ever wanted something so much, but just not been able to get it, no matter hard you try? And if anything it looks like it's getting further away from you. Well that's kind of how it feels... It's just a downhill spiral, or so it seems.

We had a talk from the Samaritans at school today, and they did a roleplay to show us a typical phone call. Many people said it seemed patronising, and they may have been right, but I felt like that caller was exactly how I felt (except I haven't self-harmed). I don't really know why I said that, but I did, and it was true. It just seemed to fit in with what I was saying.

Sometimes I think I should just overload myself with work and just be really busy, so that I don't have time to feel upset or empty and that maybe I'll generally feel better. But then part of me (I always split into parts) needs these feelings, or so I think. Maybe I'm meant to be miserable. I don't mean that in a self-pitying way, just a matter of fact. I don't mind saying it: maybe I am meant to be miserable. Hmmm, I don't know.

I don't particularly want any comments or feedback or anything from this. I don't want to feel disappointed or ashamed if any of my friends mention it to me, which I would, and I can't explain why. I just felt that I had to say it. Thanks, and sorry for being so negative.

Music...

About two and a half years ago, something happened that made quite a few of my friends annoyed with me. It annoyed me quite a bit but I shoved on some music (Chan Chan by the Buena Vista Social Club, to be exact) and it really cheered me up. Today, I wasn't feeling too great, and certain songs came on my iPod and sounded like the soundtrack to my life, as though it was all part of a film, and I really liked it, it felt really powerful. Whatever mood I'm in, when that happens it feels quite cool. And there are so many songs that have really meaningful lyrics if you actually listen. Yep, I'm in a weird mood... Oh well, if I wanna talk, I'll talk. In the meantime, listen to music, it's good.

Aaaaaaalrighty then.

So, what has happened recently...?

Lots of snow. Apparently the most snow Britain has had in 40 years... pretty crazy. It started on Sunday evening I think and by Monday it was thick upon the ground. It resulted in two snow days in a row - the first time I can ever remember that happening. Loads of people thought it was ridiculous, but come on... It was two days! In an entire year, two days isn't that much, so calm down. But yeah it was pretty fun. I got quite a bit of work done (as well as playing outside, of course!) like French coursework (which I was later really worried about and got between 50 and 52 out of 60 for, they haven't decided yet).

Then... school. Anything Goes rehearsal's are going well... Meg, Copsey and I had to teach a German lesson to Year 7s yesterday. It was pretty difficult actually (and it was being observed), and parts of it could have gone better, parts of it could have gone worse. It was OK...

I got an offer from Durham University the other day. AAB (my highest yet... how dare they?!). I haven't really told many people (my own mum found out via Facebook) because I'm not that bothered about it. I'm kinda happy, but I don't want to go there, I'm gonna do a gap year and reapply to Cambridge. In a way, I feel bad. There are lots of people I know who really want to go to Durham and really want offers but don't have them yet, and I don't want to go and I have one. Ah well, nothing I can do really. I just really hope that they get offers.

I'm also going to apply for a job in Vienna. Our ex-next door neighbour works at the company, and asked if I wanted him to give in a CV, so I will do. Here's hoping...

I'm going to Barcelona on an art trip on Monday! That'll be fun, cos the last one was :-) I'm really looking forward to it. Although it's Raz's birthday, and I'm gonna miss it! The art trip's always over someone's birthday... Craziness.

Remembrance and forgetting...

I was just wondering... is it better to forget things in life? There are some things that part of me wants to forget, and that another part of me really doesn't want to. It's just... I kinda think that I want to think about these things, but it's much nicer and easier and happier to not thing about them and just to have fun with friends and things, which I can do at the moment and it's actually quite nice. There's just this niggling and I don't want it to be there any more... I've put up with it for quite a while. But part of me (I'm never wholehearted any more, am I?) wants it there. I really can't explain it.

I also really hate losing friends. I know it's inevitable, but I really hate it. Sometimes there are friends that you don't want to lose but it just happens and no one's really that bothered. But sometimes you really really don't want it to happen and you try to stop it and it happens anyway, especially if the aforementioned friend doesn't really seem to care. It happened a few months ago, and it really upset me at the time... And it may be happening again, but probably even worse... I dunno. I just don't want it to happen cos it kinda sucks. And uni and things means that it'll probably happen BIG TIME from about July onwards. I just... I dunno. It kinda depresses me when my friends say that they've "had enough" of school now or that they're ready to move on, because I'm not. In any way. I really want to keep all the friends I have now. I may even have spoken about this in a previous post, but I don't really care...

In other news, I have my first exam tomorrow. S2. Should be alright. Then General Studies on Thursday, and M2 next Thursday. Woooooo...

(Haha, that last word was the only one that came up on the spellcheck. And now "haha". Twice.)

Bom chicka wah wahhh...

I dunno how you spell that title. But I tried.

Erm... since last post. School. Great fun. I need to do loads more art and music. Very hard. Hmm... That is actually a big problem. Ah well... Also, there was a party at my friend's house on Friday night, which was quite cool. It started pretty well, went downhill, and then got loads better. I really need to sort myself out, I always get mopey at parties. I don't mean to, it just kinda happens. But it did get better and I learnt a lot about myself (sounds stupid, but I did). I also met some new people (Lucy Danes, who gave me a Kit Kat today), and caught up with some oldies. Also, I'm not over the drinking thing. At all. My bad...

Erm also... I have to plan French and German orals and courseworks and things. Good one. I got an offer from Warwick the other day, which was quite low, so that was good. But then, I don't intend to go there, so it's a bit pointless really. I really need to plan my gap year. There's this crazy new thing where you get paid to go on holiday and tell people what it's like, so I may do that hehehe.

It was 2 years since I started going out with Raz today. Cor, that does sound pathetic. I'm just saying... Just a bit of a landmark, in a way. Dunno why I said it, really, but there we go.

Good luck to everyone with exams...

Sinking in...

Well, I realised today (and yesterday evening) that I'm not quite as chirpy and not bothered and je-m'en-foute-y about Cambridge as I thought. I go through phases of not caring much and thinking that I have a whole year now, where I can really prepare. But I also go through phases (I had a fair few today) of feeling very bad. I really wanted to go to Cambridge. I seemed to want to go more than anyone else I knew (although I can't know that for sure) and although the blow was lessened slightly by a lot of my friends getting rejected too (rejection buddies!), it was still a bummer. Quite an extreme one. It wasn't made any easier by all the people who told me time and time again, "You'll get into Cambridge", "If you don't, who will?" and "I know you're gonna go to Cambridge." I tried to tell them... Ahhh but I'm not blaming them. Just don't say it next time, OK? It just kinda sucks. I never wanted to take a gap year. I don't want to doss for a year but I can't really be bothered to do anything worthwhile. I'm gonna take a year off anyway as part of my degree (you do with languages), so it feels like a waste. I'm gonna be older than most of the students in my year, and if I do get into Cambridge next year, part of me is gonna end up resenting the year above slightly - especially the linguists. Yeah... basically a gap year is far from ideal, but I wanna go to Cambridge quite a lot.

So... yeah as I've said, I'm not always like this, but it varies. At times, it's been really good. Cos so many people got rejected from school, there's a really friendly atmosphere. I can hardly walk down a corridor without having a Cambridge rejects hug with someone.

At some point I need to sort out my gap year too. I'll probably go and work in France during the summer (South, methinks) and then go and hang in Germany for a bit (while working some more). Hmm I don't really wanna talk about it any more. Carpe diem and all that.

Cambridge

What an imaginative name for a post...

I got my letter from Cambridge this morning. I was rejected. It's not as bad as I would've thought. The fact that so many of my friends have been rejected from Oxbridge means that I'm not that upset.

And I'm gonna take a gap year. I'd decided that ages ago. I really want to go to Cambridge, and I think I can get in. I know that may sound pathetic but frankly I don't care. If I don't get in next year, I'll go somewhere else...

Hardly anyone else got in either. What has happened...?

Everything must go...

This is really annoying. I had almost finished typing a post and then my computer blue screened. Good one.

I hope everyone had a very good Christmas. Mine was pretty good. Christmas Day itself was a lot better than last year. I got an iPod. Never had one before, and my music teacher has long said that the fact that I didn't have one was "ridiculous".

Then I went to the cinema with Alex and Olie on the 29th. We went to see Twilight, which I thought was awesome. I haven't read the books, and I'm not in love with the main actor, as many seem to be. Still, I thought it was good. And altogether a very good day.

On the 29th I went to Raz's to do some maths revision with Miley (is that how you spell it?), Jono and Incred. We did a surprising amount of maths, as well as eating toast, playing on the Wii and watching The Royal Tenenbaums (surprisingly unfunny, I thought, but I'm glad I watched it. I kinda liked it in a weird way...) and The Incredibles (awesome, as ever). Another awesome day.

Then yesterday I went to Zoë's house for New Year's Eve. I arrived and realised that I wasn't really in a party mood. Good one. I was welcomed with the words "Max, you look really bad." Nice. Nah I don't really mind, although it was a bit weird. I started the evening in a really blank, spacey mood, and spent a lot of time on my own cos I wasn't really up to conversation with anyone (I dunno why...). Then I felt a lot worse later, but then some conversations with some people really cheered me up, so that when I went to bed, I was feeling pretty good. Also, I think I've got over my drink problem (you should know what I mean). To some extent anyway.

So... now I'm feeling pretty good. This has been the first new year when I've felt like I really want stuff to change. And hopefully it will. I think it will.....