Remembrance and forgetting...

I was just wondering... is it better to forget things in life? There are some things that part of me wants to forget, and that another part of me really doesn't want to. It's just... I kinda think that I want to think about these things, but it's much nicer and easier and happier to not thing about them and just to have fun with friends and things, which I can do at the moment and it's actually quite nice. There's just this niggling and I don't want it to be there any more... I've put up with it for quite a while. But part of me (I'm never wholehearted any more, am I?) wants it there. I really can't explain it.

I also really hate losing friends. I know it's inevitable, but I really hate it. Sometimes there are friends that you don't want to lose but it just happens and no one's really that bothered. But sometimes you really really don't want it to happen and you try to stop it and it happens anyway, especially if the aforementioned friend doesn't really seem to care. It happened a few months ago, and it really upset me at the time... And it may be happening again, but probably even worse... I dunno. I just don't want it to happen cos it kinda sucks. And uni and things means that it'll probably happen BIG TIME from about July onwards. I just... I dunno. It kinda depresses me when my friends say that they've "had enough" of school now or that they're ready to move on, because I'm not. In any way. I really want to keep all the friends I have now. I may even have spoken about this in a previous post, but I don't really care...

In other news, I have my first exam tomorrow. S2. Should be alright. Then General Studies on Thursday, and M2 next Thursday. Woooooo...

(Haha, that last word was the only one that came up on the spellcheck. And now "haha". Twice.)

Bom chicka wah wahhh...

I dunno how you spell that title. But I tried.

Erm... since last post. School. Great fun. I need to do loads more art and music. Very hard. Hmm... That is actually a big problem. Ah well... Also, there was a party at my friend's house on Friday night, which was quite cool. It started pretty well, went downhill, and then got loads better. I really need to sort myself out, I always get mopey at parties. I don't mean to, it just kinda happens. But it did get better and I learnt a lot about myself (sounds stupid, but I did). I also met some new people (Lucy Danes, who gave me a Kit Kat today), and caught up with some oldies. Also, I'm not over the drinking thing. At all. My bad...

Erm also... I have to plan French and German orals and courseworks and things. Good one. I got an offer from Warwick the other day, which was quite low, so that was good. But then, I don't intend to go there, so it's a bit pointless really. I really need to plan my gap year. There's this crazy new thing where you get paid to go on holiday and tell people what it's like, so I may do that hehehe.

It was 2 years since I started going out with Raz today. Cor, that does sound pathetic. I'm just saying... Just a bit of a landmark, in a way. Dunno why I said it, really, but there we go.

Good luck to everyone with exams...

Sinking in...

Well, I realised today (and yesterday evening) that I'm not quite as chirpy and not bothered and je-m'en-foute-y about Cambridge as I thought. I go through phases of not caring much and thinking that I have a whole year now, where I can really prepare. But I also go through phases (I had a fair few today) of feeling very bad. I really wanted to go to Cambridge. I seemed to want to go more than anyone else I knew (although I can't know that for sure) and although the blow was lessened slightly by a lot of my friends getting rejected too (rejection buddies!), it was still a bummer. Quite an extreme one. It wasn't made any easier by all the people who told me time and time again, "You'll get into Cambridge", "If you don't, who will?" and "I know you're gonna go to Cambridge." I tried to tell them... Ahhh but I'm not blaming them. Just don't say it next time, OK? It just kinda sucks. I never wanted to take a gap year. I don't want to doss for a year but I can't really be bothered to do anything worthwhile. I'm gonna take a year off anyway as part of my degree (you do with languages), so it feels like a waste. I'm gonna be older than most of the students in my year, and if I do get into Cambridge next year, part of me is gonna end up resenting the year above slightly - especially the linguists. Yeah... basically a gap year is far from ideal, but I wanna go to Cambridge quite a lot.

So... yeah as I've said, I'm not always like this, but it varies. At times, it's been really good. Cos so many people got rejected from school, there's a really friendly atmosphere. I can hardly walk down a corridor without having a Cambridge rejects hug with someone.

At some point I need to sort out my gap year too. I'll probably go and work in France during the summer (South, methinks) and then go and hang in Germany for a bit (while working some more). Hmm I don't really wanna talk about it any more. Carpe diem and all that.

Cambridge

What an imaginative name for a post...

I got my letter from Cambridge this morning. I was rejected. It's not as bad as I would've thought. The fact that so many of my friends have been rejected from Oxbridge means that I'm not that upset.

And I'm gonna take a gap year. I'd decided that ages ago. I really want to go to Cambridge, and I think I can get in. I know that may sound pathetic but frankly I don't care. If I don't get in next year, I'll go somewhere else...

Hardly anyone else got in either. What has happened...?

Everything must go...

This is really annoying. I had almost finished typing a post and then my computer blue screened. Good one.

I hope everyone had a very good Christmas. Mine was pretty good. Christmas Day itself was a lot better than last year. I got an iPod. Never had one before, and my music teacher has long said that the fact that I didn't have one was "ridiculous".

Then I went to the cinema with Alex and Olie on the 29th. We went to see Twilight, which I thought was awesome. I haven't read the books, and I'm not in love with the main actor, as many seem to be. Still, I thought it was good. And altogether a very good day.

On the 29th I went to Raz's to do some maths revision with Miley (is that how you spell it?), Jono and Incred. We did a surprising amount of maths, as well as eating toast, playing on the Wii and watching The Royal Tenenbaums (surprisingly unfunny, I thought, but I'm glad I watched it. I kinda liked it in a weird way...) and The Incredibles (awesome, as ever). Another awesome day.

Then yesterday I went to Zoë's house for New Year's Eve. I arrived and realised that I wasn't really in a party mood. Good one. I was welcomed with the words "Max, you look really bad." Nice. Nah I don't really mind, although it was a bit weird. I started the evening in a really blank, spacey mood, and spent a lot of time on my own cos I wasn't really up to conversation with anyone (I dunno why...). Then I felt a lot worse later, but then some conversations with some people really cheered me up, so that when I went to bed, I was feeling pretty good. Also, I think I've got over my drink problem (you should know what I mean). To some extent anyway.

So... now I'm feeling pretty good. This has been the first new year when I've felt like I really want stuff to change. And hopefully it will. I think it will.....