At a loss...

I don't even know if I want to write this. Part of me does, but part of me doesn't. I don't even know who reads this. I know some people read it, and part of me isn't sure that I want those people to know what I'm about to type. It's not a secrecy thing, I don't mistrust my friends, I'm just not sure I actually want to say it. I'm not sure they would actually care, but even if they do I don't want to talk about it. I just think I have to write it to get it off my chest, I suppose...

I'm not happy, and I haven't been for a long time. I don't think I seem particularly unhappy - I still smile and laugh and get on with stuff, but beneath all of that there's an unhappy emptiness. I've never had any problems like this before; I've always been a happy, optimistic person. And every day there are events and things that I come across that remind me of just how unhappy I am. Don't get me wrong (I hate that phrase), I know that I have a good life - I generally get what I want, I suppose, and I've never really failed at much. I know that sounds arrogant but it's true. I'm sure there are a lot of people who'd be happy with my life. I know I shouldn't really complain about stuff when there are people who are dying or who are ill or in far worse conditions. I just can't really help it. And sometimes it even makes me question God, even though I know it's stupid. Logically, I should be happy, I shouldn't question my beliefs and everything should be fine. But for some reason, it's not like that. I suppose it's related to one of those many things that just can't be explained, where logic doesn't work - love, for example. Ooh look at me, I'm getting all philosophical.

Have you ever wanted something so much, but just not been able to get it, no matter hard you try? And if anything it looks like it's getting further away from you. Well that's kind of how it feels... It's just a downhill spiral, or so it seems.

We had a talk from the Samaritans at school today, and they did a roleplay to show us a typical phone call. Many people said it seemed patronising, and they may have been right, but I felt like that caller was exactly how I felt (except I haven't self-harmed). I don't really know why I said that, but I did, and it was true. It just seemed to fit in with what I was saying.

Sometimes I think I should just overload myself with work and just be really busy, so that I don't have time to feel upset or empty and that maybe I'll generally feel better. But then part of me (I always split into parts) needs these feelings, or so I think. Maybe I'm meant to be miserable. I don't mean that in a self-pitying way, just a matter of fact. I don't mind saying it: maybe I am meant to be miserable. Hmmm, I don't know.

I don't particularly want any comments or feedback or anything from this. I don't want to feel disappointed or ashamed if any of my friends mention it to me, which I would, and I can't explain why. I just felt that I had to say it. Thanks, and sorry for being so negative.

Music...

About two and a half years ago, something happened that made quite a few of my friends annoyed with me. It annoyed me quite a bit but I shoved on some music (Chan Chan by the Buena Vista Social Club, to be exact) and it really cheered me up. Today, I wasn't feeling too great, and certain songs came on my iPod and sounded like the soundtrack to my life, as though it was all part of a film, and I really liked it, it felt really powerful. Whatever mood I'm in, when that happens it feels quite cool. And there are so many songs that have really meaningful lyrics if you actually listen. Yep, I'm in a weird mood... Oh well, if I wanna talk, I'll talk. In the meantime, listen to music, it's good.

Aaaaaaalrighty then.

So, what has happened recently...?

Lots of snow. Apparently the most snow Britain has had in 40 years... pretty crazy. It started on Sunday evening I think and by Monday it was thick upon the ground. It resulted in two snow days in a row - the first time I can ever remember that happening. Loads of people thought it was ridiculous, but come on... It was two days! In an entire year, two days isn't that much, so calm down. But yeah it was pretty fun. I got quite a bit of work done (as well as playing outside, of course!) like French coursework (which I was later really worried about and got between 50 and 52 out of 60 for, they haven't decided yet).

Then... school. Anything Goes rehearsal's are going well... Meg, Copsey and I had to teach a German lesson to Year 7s yesterday. It was pretty difficult actually (and it was being observed), and parts of it could have gone better, parts of it could have gone worse. It was OK...

I got an offer from Durham University the other day. AAB (my highest yet... how dare they?!). I haven't really told many people (my own mum found out via Facebook) because I'm not that bothered about it. I'm kinda happy, but I don't want to go there, I'm gonna do a gap year and reapply to Cambridge. In a way, I feel bad. There are lots of people I know who really want to go to Durham and really want offers but don't have them yet, and I don't want to go and I have one. Ah well, nothing I can do really. I just really hope that they get offers.

I'm also going to apply for a job in Vienna. Our ex-next door neighbour works at the company, and asked if I wanted him to give in a CV, so I will do. Here's hoping...

I'm going to Barcelona on an art trip on Monday! That'll be fun, cos the last one was :-) I'm really looking forward to it. Although it's Raz's birthday, and I'm gonna miss it! The art trip's always over someone's birthday... Craziness.