I don't even know if I want to write this. Part of me does, but part of me doesn't. I don't even know who reads this. I know some people read it, and part of me isn't sure that I want those people to know what I'm about to type. It's not a secrecy thing, I don't mistrust my friends, I'm just not sure I actually want to say it. I'm not sure they would actually care, but even if they do I don't want to talk about it. I just think I have to write it to get it off my chest, I suppose...
I'm not happy, and I haven't been for a long time. I don't think I seem particularly unhappy - I still smile and laugh and get on with stuff, but beneath all of that there's an unhappy emptiness. I've never had any problems like this before; I've always been a happy, optimistic person. And every day there are events and things that I come across that remind me of just how unhappy I am. Don't get me wrong (I hate that phrase), I know that I have a good life - I generally get what I want, I suppose, and I've never really failed at much. I know that sounds arrogant but it's true. I'm sure there are a lot of people who'd be happy with my life. I know I shouldn't really complain about stuff when there are people who are dying or who are ill or in far worse conditions. I just can't really help it. And sometimes it even makes me question God, even though I know it's stupid. Logically, I should be happy, I shouldn't question my beliefs and everything should be fine. But for some reason, it's not like that. I suppose it's related to one of those many things that just can't be explained, where logic doesn't work - love, for example. Ooh look at me, I'm getting all philosophical.
Have you ever wanted something so much, but just not been able to get it, no matter hard you try? And if anything it looks like it's getting further away from you. Well that's kind of how it feels... It's just a downhill spiral, or so it seems.
We had a talk from the Samaritans at school today, and they did a roleplay to show us a typical phone call. Many people said it seemed patronising, and they may have been right, but I felt like that caller was exactly how I felt (except I haven't self-harmed). I don't really know why I said that, but I did, and it was true. It just seemed to fit in with what I was saying.
Sometimes I think I should just overload myself with work and just be really busy, so that I don't have time to feel upset or empty and that maybe I'll generally feel better. But then part of me (I always split into parts) needs these feelings, or so I think. Maybe I'm meant to be miserable. I don't mean that in a self-pitying way, just a matter of fact. I don't mind saying it: maybe I am meant to be miserable. Hmmm, I don't know.
I don't particularly want any comments or feedback or anything from this. I don't want to feel disappointed or ashamed if any of my friends mention it to me, which I would, and I can't explain why. I just felt that I had to say it. Thanks, and sorry for being so negative.
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4 comments:
You are who you are, if people don't like it then they're not your friends. Working so hard that your trying to stop yourself feel is just not the way to go about it, i did that, now i'm ill, seriously ill. Being sad or negative is a perfectly normal emotion, and the 1 thing i've learnt is that you can't with hold your emotions, if you need to get help then get help, but you need to let how you feel come out, do what you gotta do!
i don't know who you are, or even whether or not you know me, but thanks for your comment, i really appreciated actually. i didn't think i would, but there we go.
if you've really been there before then you'll know how hard it is not to just want to curl up and die and stuff like that. part of me wants to just accept that i'm unhappy and then move on, but part of me wants to keep this misery forever. i want to realise that sadness is normal and that i'm not the only one in the world who feels like this and that there are people much worse off, but it's really hard to accept. despite appearances, i'm still an optimist so i'm unwilling to accept that this is how my life is and i want to get the goodness back.
i'll try not to take the 'work hard and don't feel' approach, but it is sorely tempting. thanks for your comment x
This entry, is the story of my life. I'm still there, and know not what to do about it. But its good to know that I'm not the only one (not in a harsh way).
how long have you 'been there' for then? yeah it is kinda nice to know that you're not alone, and i get what you mean, so don't worry! you're no the same anonymous person as before are you? you seem very different lol.
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